poem

I cannot face the hopeful girl

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I cannot face the hopeful girl,
not tonight.
I’m OK sitting
in the firelight
that burns.

She knocks,
hopefully, and with some
restraint
on a door wedged in now
by damp, and rain.

I could get up
and welcome her
but I sit still longer,
safe with my
weary despair
well worn as
old slippers.

I can hear the rain
beating down
on her, feel her
presence flattened
for protection
against the wall,
or window, even
(the blinds are down)

Dare she knock again?
I wonder, not knowing
what I wish for,
on red-alert,
but poised to
dive for cover.

Inertia reigns.
What if she tries
another door,
gains welcome there,
instead? An
inner shriek
runs through me
at the thought
but still I sit.

‘Get up!’ rings
all around me,
a ghost chorus,
infiltrates the wild wind,
real, but powerless
to move my arms
and legs.

‘Wait!’ I call out,
barely,
and hope she will.

flat christmas moment

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The parents are out.
The nephews and nieces
play elsewhere.
The presents are opened.
The lunch has been eaten.
The papers have been read.
The presents have been
perused.
The calls have been made.
The texts have been sent.
The run has been run.
The sales have been scouted.

It’s not quite dinner.
Etiquette does not yet
demand thank you notes.
No decisions are pending.
No-one else is in the office.
It is silent
beside the fire hush.

Time flattens out,
contours settle and
knots of muddle
unravel into
ordinary peace.
Tea goes cold,
expectation hovers,
then concedes.

Life drifts.

Front door scuffle;
they’re back.

Christmas exhaustion

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Eighty home-made
Christmas cards
for friends and clients
alike wing their way
across the world,
Russia, Poland,
Luxembourg, Italy.

Forty presents,
be-tissued, wrapped
with Father Christmases
on sleighs and in chimneys
carrying sacks, all
tied in (matching) ribbons,
cherry red and
snowy ice-blue.

Ill friends, one, two
three, visited with
cheer and gifts and
hugs (I didn’t lean
in too near).

Three family
dynamics
navigated, care,
honesty, tears,
grace and hope that
one day things might
change.

Four little niece-
and-nephews imagined,
researched, added to,
subtracted from, and
last-minute flash of
inspiration,
of course.

One carol service
invited to, sung at,
giggled in,
got distracted by
small children’s
wonder, and several
glugs of cooling
mulled wine in
too-warm weather.

Five invoices sent,
fingers crossed for
payment (no),
money switched
between accounts.
‘what d’you mean
five working days?’

One to-do list
half-crossed,
neighbours’ gifts,
tick, more ribbon,
tick, pine and
eucalyptus spray,
tick, but
packing, taxi,
picnic still to do
tomorrow morning.

One poem written.

My weariness
rests
on a bed of quiet
contentment.

 

overheard joys

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‘Oooooh!’ ‘wooosh!’
‘Look at you!’ A
grandmother neighbour
greets her family
in the street outside
my house.
Laughter percolates
towards my bedroom
window. I hear the pause
of hugs exchanged.

On the café table
next to me, two
cashmere women
discuss a favourite
dancing show, the merits
of the ‘last man standing’,
the northern darling, the
East end lass, the tinkling
delight of little girls
let loose in dressing up
clothes. I feel their
inner twirling.

Returning from a
conference, three women
(unusual in Eurostar
Standard Premier class)
tease a colleague. Tall
tales, tender taunting,
their warm laughter
embraces the whole
carriage, washes me
with gladness.

We are a humanity of
constant hopes and tears,
and yet in streets, and
trains and
public places, there is,
it seems,
for a moment,
more than enough
joy to go round.

 

 

the poetry of outfits

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Occasional blogger – bobble hat, brogues,
pointy-out skirt,
grey tights,
red headphones.

Christmas auntie of
small children – jeggins
(don’t tell anyone), soft top, long
cardigan and (still) Uggs.

Urban gardener in a hurry –
shorts with tights, wellingtons
a parka and pink gardening
gloves with polka dots.

Runner in disguise – dawn-coloured
vibram five fingers (yay!),
black thermal tights (too hot),
blue long sleeve top and
large white plastic sunnies.

Businesswoman with recently
adopted ‘flat shoe’ policy – suit
dress and jacket,
New York snow scene
silk scarf (for winter) and
silver pointy flats.

Writer on the weekend –
stripey slogan top
‘believe’, cream
coatigan with enormous
sleeves and collar
(cosy), grey suede boots.

Woman pretending
to be French – pencil
midi-skirt (striped again,
horizontal), light grey
cashmere jumper, gold
zigzag scarf, just so,
peacoat, maybe Le Monde.

Faux-nonchalant
party-goer – black silk
tracksuit bottoms, gold
lamé linen vest,
leather flip-flops,
enormous studded
clutch.

The endless poetry of
outfits has possessed me;
(spring christening of
new friend’s son, grey
print dress…)
how can I escape? I can’t stop
thinking about
(grown-up beginner
ballerina – …)
the poetry of outfits.

This will have to be
‘Part One.’

(What’s yours?)