One of the things I have been learning to confront recently is fear.  I am very lucky to have been brought up in a secure, happy, loving environment, so fear is not my default inner mode.  Of course I have normal fears like snakes, rejection, pain and loss, but overall, it is not something that bothers me that much.

This offers a luxury that not everyone has; embarking intentionally on journeys, adventures and projects that you know will be beyond you and at some point will entail you facing a fear.  And if you want to embark on big adventures, it’s also worth practising facing small fears so you will be prepared when a big one strikes (like Walter Bonatti and his friends sleeping on their balconies in midwinter to prepare for their summit bids).

(Aside:  Writing this has already taught me something about my thinking; it is very situational.  I don’t think about things in the abstract but in the contexts in which they take place).

So situation one is playing the piano in front of people.  I played and performed fairly happily as a child, but when I returned to playing the piano after a big gap, I found that performing actually terrified me.  Now, this was quite interesting in itself; I did not feel fear when thinking of performing.  I sat quite happily in the audience of the ‘concert’ organised by my piano teacher while her eight year old pupils played for their mums and dads.  Only at the very moment where I took my place at the piano did I fear an overwhelming woosh of terror causing me to  a) be unable to see the music b) shake from head to toe (including fingers) and c) feel physically sick.  Even playing to my own mum, I would feel the whine of inner fear spreading out from somewhere to everywhere.

(Aside:  Writing this has also taught me another thing about my thinking, it’s anchored in my personal experience.  I tried writing it as if it was an objective thing, but this doesn’t seem to be possible).

From tackling this fear I have learnt some useful things:  Fear is just chemicals and it is not just chemicals.  There is a physical reality (chemicals), but the physical reality does not capture the felt experience of fear.  I could probably take something to diminish the chemicals, but there would still be something happening within me that is important.  Secondly, fear can be explored and this makes it diminish.  I don’t know if it’s the exploration (understanding) or the familiarity (recognition), but repeatedly putting yourself in micro-situations of fear helps diminish the fear.  Then, and this was the most interesting finding, I felt less fear when I had learned about the composers of the pieces I played!  How funny; it was like by getting to know the people involved in the fear-provoking situation (even though they were historical figures who I would never actually meet), I felt less fear.  Finally, being told that I did not seem terribly afraid helped to reduce the fear.  Somehow, the embarrassment of looking afraid increased the fear (see, fear’s friend shame has tried to sneak in to the limelight for a moment).

(Aside:  I have learnt another thing about thinking about things.  I am interested in what I have decided to call the ‘felt experience’ of things.  Lots of people can write scientifically about fear; my own findings are not all new.  But the wholeness of the felt experience cannot be summed up in phrases like ‘exposure therapy’, ‘adrenaline rush’ and other terms, even though those can still be informative.)

There are a few other contexts that I might write more about another time; surfing in Bali (two weeks of terror), fears that you should not face, fear and timing.

Now that I have made these other categories, I am going to put the piano-performance fear in the category of ‘fears you should befriend’.

I have learned that understanding fear is part of the process of growing courage.  And courage is essential for growing a deeper heart.  I have learned that you need to have a reason for facing the fear that is bigger than the fear itself.  Wanting to bring joy to other people by sharing beautiful music with them is helping me to face my fears of performing.

Wanting to grow our capacity to love is the reason for confronting fear.