Well, I seem to be making progress although the measurements of that progress are often contested.
How do I measure it?
It’s a certain feeling – strength – that I can see returning to me. The familiar places of physical demand are not so depleting, the balance of the equation has shifted. I’m less emotionally raw, although that may be because I have had a respite from certain circumstances.
But mostly, it’s because I am getting to things that have long been out of reach, either practically or metaphorically or both. Yesterday I started the rereading of a long-written book draft, ready to, eventually, edit the second half and Send It Out once and for all. I’m connecting with people whose requests I have long let drift, taking up the tools of places in myself that have been beyond my grasp due to demands and the sheer limitations of one person’s confinement in the human condition.
There is a giddy euphoria at the return of a recognisable self that often entails overly enthusiastic ambitions and subsequent disappointments. This may indeed recur, as it’s part of personality dynamics which my whole life I have not escaped. But I’m perhaps also a little wiser, taking more time, letting things establish themselves more fully before I gallivant everywhere for the sheer joy of feeling more true.
It’s so particular that this specific space, of writing, and in writing so discovering something, has so much power for me. I am thankful, despite the flimsiness, so it feels, of my reach.
extraplorer 