passion

I long for stars

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I long for stars,
look up and yearn for height,
brilliance,
light
and beauty.

Here in the humdrum
I am lucky if I get to dazzle
for even a moment.

I look down,
stepping carefully
to avoid pavement cracks
and bears.

There is a fog
of confusion
everywhere.
People proffer answers
to questions they
barely understand.

I long for stars;
we were kindred spirits
once.
Where did we lose
ourselves?

I concentrate on
simple tasks.
Stuck in skin,
I wrestle ceaselessly,
ceaselessly restless.
People tell me to
calm down.

I long for stars;
we are quantumly
entangled. Paired
for eternity, our
subatomic particles
duet.

I long for stars.
Waves of homesickness
overcome me.

I long for stars.

extraplorer 2015

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There’s no doubt about it, one of the highlights of 2014 was starting extraplorer, and even though I have had a few lean writing weeks (which coincide with fat everything-else weeks), I have loved being able to post over Christmas when and where I have had a moment of inspiration or observation.

extraplorer has taught me a lot in the just under three months that I have been posting.  In my first post, ‘teetering’ I wrote about the moment that a small child lets go of the furniture they have been using to navigate walking (confining them to a world of edges of things) and takes a first independent step.  extraplorer really has helped me to grow in confidence with my writing.  It has been so wonderful to have a quiet space to try out things.  My WordPress ‘Annual Report 2014’ filled me with joy and delight, despite the modesty of its successes.

It is not only the passion for the piano that opens doors.  Being able to say that I ‘write found poems’ or ‘have a blog’ has opened doors too, including being given a personal escort to take photos in a ‘no photography’ exhibition, and an incredible cosy chat with a local goldsmith.

I don’t want to weigh down extraplorer with hopes, or expectations or even resolutions for 2015, but one thing I have realised is that extraplorer acts as a kind of barometer of how much space I am making for myself to be myself.  It’s not that my other roles aren’t me, but there is something special about the quiet moment at home, or in a foreign cafe, where I sit down and open my laptop and begin to write.  There is something deep about myself that comes to the fore then, which is not always fully present at other times, or which I am not present to.

My wish for extraplorer is to continue to grow in courage and curiosity, to be open to new and old truths, to be alert to beauty wherever it may be found.  And as extraplorer helps me to grow myself and my writing, I want to extend my reach in sharing this with the world.

passion opens doors

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(Once again I am trying to write thoughtfully without including all the details of my life in it and once again the details crowd round the door demanding to be let in and moreover I can’t actually write without them.)

It should not be surprising that facing fears has interesting consequences, but this week I have been surprised by something:  Passion and bravery open doors, literally.

My piano exam is getting nearer and so being away for work has a downside: few hotels have pianos.  And even fewer have pianos in a place where they can be played unheard.

My desire to pass my exam, and to grow as a performer has led to some interesting choices this week.

Firstly, something quite amazing:  in the time since I was last at hotel number one of this business trip, the hotel has acquired a piano.  Moreover, it can be played by guests (so long as their playing is ‘sure to delight’ others, as a small accompanying sign puts it).  Another colleague plays the piano and he is braver than me.  One evening, he started playing, for people to sing to.  This made me braver.

His passion held open a door for me to go through.

So I sidled along onto the piano stool, and then played a piece for my colleagues.  Without any music.  I cannot emphasise enough how a year ago I would not have considered doing such a thing.  There were errors and I was quaking (more inside than out these days, but still).  I felt afraid.  It was magical.  There was an intense feeling in the room as my playing made me more vulnerable than they are used to seeing me (I normally look quite competent).

However, what was even better is that I had brought my piano exam music with me just in case I found a piano.  This time it was preparation that opened a door.  Combining preparation with passion and courage, I decided to practise during the lunch hour.  This meant that I was practising (and making mistakes) as tens of people walked to and fro past me (I didn’t check if this playing met the ‘sure to delight’ criteria, but no-one stopped me).  Some of them came and talked to me and some of them didn’t.  Those that did talked about their own creativity.  Now my passion opened doors.

At the second hotel there was not a piano.  So I decided to ask if there was one nearby I could practise on.  I have to say I had zero hope of there being a piano.  After all, I reasoned, who in a city has a piano that visitors can just go and play?  But I thought I would ask anyway and see what happened.

The hotel recommended the conservatoire.  I was excited!  I couldn’t really believe that the conservatoire would let me play their pianos, but I was in an unknown city and it wasn’t too far away so I went as part of a morning of exploring.  I walked through a grand courtyard and heaved open an incredibly heavy, ornate wooden door, and pushed an inner flimsy door and I was in a shabby reception.  I made my request (I speak the language, which helped I think), and to my astonishment, the receptionist said I could probably practise if I returned later in the day.

And so I have just spent an hour practising at the conservatoire, with the sound of genius-level music accompanying my walks through corridors.  My passion opened literal doors to an experience that I would never have believed I would have.

And I have found out about a free concert there tomorrow.

And the kind receptionist has telephoned a piano shop on my behalf so that I can practise tomorrow when the conservatoire is fully booked.  (And of course, it turns out that the piano shop is round the corner from my hotel).

Passion opens doors.